Reflection on the Journey

With varying regularity over the last three years I've read Susan Russell's An Inch at a Time: Reflections on the Journey. Today I have a reflection on my journey to Easter. This a certain webpage is relevant today.

Today, I discovered that my roommate uses her twitter to complain about me. FML.

I think that right now It's very, very, good that I'm not using Facebook or Twitter or the passive-aggression would be SHOWING FORTH from my fingers.

While I can mention that I want to be passive-aggressive, I'm having to filter it because I'd never actually say it in person or directly to people in electronic communication, which is a nice objective for using electronic communication. And I'm having to process what's making me feel the way I am. The kinds of things I want to say are pretty hateful and defensive, but that's how I feel right now. And I'm having to not react. I've shed two things I don't need which, as it turns out, also separate me from God and my neighbor.

Rather than lashing out at others or getting angry and defensive (or at least showing that), I'm having to think about what's causing me to feel the way I do and try to find constructive ways to respond, if any response is warranted. I'm having to rely on other people to help me with this work since I can't do it on my own...and Lent is helping me with it. I'm praying about it and just calmly thinking about it. There's still some purely raw ranting here and there to one or two people, but most of my talk about it is a focused thought on how I got where I am and where to go from there.

For those who don't know, I take things very personally sometimes a lot of times. That's something I've struggled with for as long as I remember, and it's very likely to happen when I've invested in something. I take things personally and am hard on myself. So after I get mad about whatever critique or suggestion has been offered, I internalize it and see it as a critique of me (sometimes that order is switched), and then I blame myself for whatever it is and think of all the ways I do things wrong about whatever. I've gotten sooooo much better about the last part with regard to somethings, but I have a long way to go yet.

And I can't do it alone. I have to talk to people about how I feel, about what I hear (which is often very different than what is being conveyed), and rely on them for encouragement and guidance/suggestions on where to go, how to think, or what to do next. I'm always really thankful for surprise e-mails that say really nice things about what I'm doing. And I'm thankful for older people who are calm and not involved in the situation who can read things more neutrally.

So yeah, I'm not getting to be passive-aggressive. Probably good practice for the long run. I don't really like passive-aggression, but it's usually easier than direct response to something or actually saying something to someone that is in an appropriate tone and manner. That's a big part of my desire right now to be passive-aggressive: my aggression would be really intensely channeled aggression that wouldn't get anyone very far.

May God continue to shape me on this journey toward Easter both by God's presence and servants in my life.