Running

I hate running. Every morning that I get up to run I cheer for myself (truly!) that I dragged my ass out of bed and ran. I don't feel more energized after the run or for the rest of the day. I don't feel high from running. The best parts of individual runs are how good whatever I drink right after tastes and how great being clean after the following shower feels. I run because over the last three years through diet and exercise (primarily running) I've lost 50 pounds and am at the weight I want to be at. Now I want to stay there.

I've been running consistently since October. (There was some slippage during the summer. CPE will do that to you.) This is how I feel after this, which is the longest I've run regularly. That's the end of my rant.

Run, Joseph, Run!

I've been sick the last two weeks.  It's almost completely totally gone.  There are still a few coughs here and there, but I'm way better.  The first week of that I didn't run; my lungs couldn't handle it, I didn't think.  And the extra rest was good for the healing process.  Last week I ran Monday and Tuesday and then was done for the week.  I'm trying to change my schedule from taking Wednesday off to Friday off since I am usually out on Thursday nights and getting up on Friday is difficult after being out later.  I'm an old man and go to bed between 9:30 and 10:30 on most nights.  11:00 at the latest.

I didn't run yesterday.  This morning when my alarm went off, and maybe even last night when I went to bed my legs were screaming at me.  "HEY YOU!  WHY HAVEN'T WE RUN!?  It's @$#(* time!" When I started really exercising last February one of my goals was to condition my body to want to exercise.  I still don't like it or get any high from it or anything, but it had been too long since I'd run and my body knew it.  And this morning I had a great run.

A month ago or so I had to buy new jeans because all the ones I had were too big.  I got two new pairs and have been loving wearing them.  I got some money from Mom for Valentine's Day and used it to get new adult pants (since I have to wear slacks to work).  Slacks that fit well make one feel great, especially when they're a size smaller than one has worn in five years.  For almost three years my weight goal has been 180, and I hit it last week or the week before.  It's stayed down.

This morning I burned 664 cal while running 4.56 mi in 50 min.  At the end of the run/beginning of the cool down my heart rate was 192.  When I got out of the shower and got on the scale?  177.4!  180 has been my goal and now my goal is to stay between 175 and 180.  And if I keep getting smaller, well, so be it.  I'm really thankful for encouragement and support that people near and far, whom I've met and whom I haven't have given me.  This has been friends, family, new friends, and people to whom I'm extremely close.  Having a running buddy in Mexico helped me, too.

I think that our dieting in Mexico helped a lot, too.  Controlled portion sizes.  And I've noticed that I'm a lot more conscious of how much I eat now.  I'm having a dance party in my room right now.  I did a happy dance (literally this time, not just in my head) when I got off the scale.  This is my weight low.  I don't know the last time I weighed this little but it has to have been sometime in high school.  I don't think I've worn 32s since middle school.  It's a good day.

And any bishops reading this as a result of my bio that went out yesterday, I don't always just blog about myself. ;)

Slower but Faster

Our pace on our run this morning was more sustainable.  That, of course, means it was slower.  We ran four minutes and walked one, but we were able to do all the four minute times....and we went just as far.  When we ran Tuesday I noted where we turned around.  Today, although we were moving more slowly, we got there nonetheless.  Stefanie's iPod died before the end of the run (it's how we're keeping time), but I think that we still cut some more time off our total.  I think it bodes well for our runs the rest of the time we're here.  8 Minute Abs was killer this morning.  But in a great way.  :)

Yesterday after I posted we both stayed on our computers a good while.  We listened to music as we did more decorating of the birthday board.  Dori and Pedro had to go to Tuxtla to get some supplies, so I didn't get to ask about laundry and she didn't get us the list of names.  It looks great, though, and I think the kids will really enjoy it.  They haven't celebrated birthdays here, and Dori and Pedro want to change that.  At the end of each month they'll do a cake, and they're doing birthday bags on the days of birthdays.  "It's the one thing that have that is really theirs."

Then we had a chill afternoon.  I read, and Stefanie helped sort corn into good and bad.  I didn't know that was happening or I would've helped.  I think she may be doing that now, and I'll do it after I finish my online stuff.  This and then reading my news is all that's left of online stuff.  Yesterday afternoon I did homework and it got better.  Again, no math, but we read some science.  We read about the seasons and took turns with lines.  The thing about phonics is that even though I don't speak the language, I can sound the words out, too!

We've been going to bed pretty early and getting up pretty early.  After dinner there's not much to do.  We had a good time hanging out yesterday evening talking about showtunes and some of the kids have really taken to us.  The boys (all ages) seem to really like us.  The older boys are super patient with our Spanish, which I think has to partially be due to their learning English.  The younger boys just like to play.  Today I might get my digital camera out again since they had some serious fun with it Tuesday.

I'm preaching on Sunday and need to look at the Gospel text.  I'll preach and Dori will translate.  Stefanie is preaching the next week.  She said something really funny yesterday, but I cannot for the life of me remember what it was.  It was around the time of evening prayer.  They have a routine here that seems to run pretty smoothly.  Everything and everyone has a place.  We can help with that some when we do.  And other times we just have to observe what's going on and look for things that need to be done.

The length of time here doesn't seem as daunting anymore.  Two days ago it definitely did.  I was so ready to go to Lucky's and get a burger.  I'm still ready for that, but today or tomorrow we're walking to the gas station for candy and soda.  Having fries Tuesday night for dinner helped.  This morning we had goat cheese on our breakfast and it was so, so good.  We found out last night right before bed that there's a sewing teacher who comes during the week!?  Apparently there's a room with lots of sewing machines that we don't know about.

Hogar Infantile is like the Island... except we know how to leave and come back without a woman in the basement of a church helping us.

Aches and Pains and Numbers and Math

My abs are sore still from yesterday's 8 Minute Abs session.  My knees are sore from running on uneven ground (my knees don't usually hurt).  I have a weird muscle pain above my right ankle, and I have no idea how that works.  But I'm glad; they mean that I've been working and exercising.  This morning (starting last night) is super windy.  It's also cloudy and cooler than it has been.  It's sprinkled a little but not much.

Yesterday we spent a good bit of time working on our birthdays bulletin board.  I think it's going to be pretty awesome.  All that's left is names and dates.  I drew cakes.  When I cut them out it made me think about all the History Day projects and Annie forbidding me to cut anything if she hadn't drawn me a line.  My cakes aren't perfect, but they look like cakes.  The frou-frou with tissue paper that we're doing made me think about CmPS projects.  We're not quite done with the frou-frou, but it'll look good.

Homework time yesterday was much better.  There was no math, but there was describing a picture of a teddy bear.  That took some time.  When we finished that we read the back of the history book and then started reading the history book.  I can only assume that was all the homework.  He was much more focused yesterday and really sounding stuff out.  We took some turns reading to one another, but we were together doing it.

There's a lot of corn to be shucked again.  A bigger pile than we started with the other day.  I'll take a picture before we start.  We thought we were going to start shucking today, but the boys at breakfast said that we wouldn't.  Yesterday I started to hit a food wall, but today was a better start.  I don't dislike the food here, which Dori said visitors often did, but lunch yesterday just wasn't appealing.  We had fries and beans for dinner and I was so glad for the fries.  So, so glad.  I might go straight to Lucky's when I get back to the Closet and get a burger and some sweet potato fries.

Yesterday I started to feel some loneliness and homesickness, too.  I just miss friends and some parts of my routine.  I miss the dependability of people reacting certain ways to certain things.  There are a few English-speaking children, so practicing with them is fun.  I feel isolated because I don't speak Spanish. One of the boys was asking us how to say things last night.  Earlier he'd been asking us about Eminem lyrics.  I had a good time passing the soccer ball with Stefanie and one to two of the kids.  There was a little girl who hasn't yet learned that a hard touch on the ball isn't necessarily a good touch.

It's Wednesday, so we didn't run.  We got up for breakfast and then washed dishes.  Yesterday afternoon Stefanie remarked that when they're eating it doesn't seem like 71 kids. This morning washing dishes it seemed like far more.  Stefanie and I started and then our two-step/person process (her scraping remaining stuff and me washing and rinsing) became a four-step/person process when two girls joined.  One was the pre-washer who got things wet and kind of rinsed off, one took my place washing (and I apparently don't use enough soap), and I took the job of rinsing.  When Dori gets to the main building from her house I'll have to ask about laundry since I need to do it.

That's up to the now.  We're both on our computers.  I'll do some more reading today since my book is getting really good.  Stefanie is finishing hers.  Leave some comments, please!

Football!

Yesterday was a great day!  The kids came back, and they added volume, but that wasn't devastatingly different or anything.  I was chatting on gChat when Stefanie came in and said she was going to town to watch some of the boys play soccer.  I said I wanted to come too, which meant immediately leaving.  I could tell they were getting ready for a game since a few of them had uniforms on and were wearing shin guards.  Someone from the first team had arrived to drive and we rode with him (no, everyone in the car did NOT have a seatbelt, but it worked).

I didn't realize that both games were happening at the same time (first team and second team) and spent most of my time watching the second.  It was pretty one-sided and not in their favor.  Earlier in the day I'd said that I was going to go watch them sometime, and then the opportunity presented itself.  We chose to walk back from the field and had a great conversation with a very patient guy.  He asked us questions and I was able to answer some of them in Spanish.  My following conversation is sooooooo much better than a week ago.  After that we just hung out; the parents' meeting was wrapping up and the people who were traveling were eating first.

Lunch yesterday was great.  It was very, very good.  After lunch we shared some granola and a Sidral Mundet.  OMG how I love the Sidral Mundet apple soda.  It's like caramel apple.  It's sooooooo good.  Then Stefanie and I just talked and hung out some.  We listened to music and talked.  At 5:00 we went to the chapel for the little kids' service which was music and reading the story of Jesus's baptism from the Bible for Children.  At 6:00 was a Eucharist.  It was very different, but very authentic to this community.  Dori wants us to help with the service, so we'll be preaching-ish next week and the next.  We might work in some new songs and are going to get some more Spanish-language parts of the Eucharist together.

This morning we ran.  I'm exhausted.  We ran on a dirt road, so it was harder, and there were rocks and it's not entirely even, and I haven't run in weeks.  We were gone 43 minutes, but I'd say we walked at least 15 of that.  At least.  And that was me.  Tomorrow we'll run more, I think, and then Wednesay we'll rest.  My lungs were killing me.  Running on the treadmill it was not.  My nose and shoulders are going to peel this week, I think.  I'm going to be better about sun screen when outside for long periods, even if not in direct sunlight.  Tomorrow we're going to do 8 Minute Abs.  We forgot this morning.

We've been helping take down Christmas decorations here and are just kind of hanging out until the children get back from school.  We are now resting and going to do stuff for the eucharist.  I'm finding some words to songs that I know are Spanish songs.  Stefanie is going to do something else.  Pray for the children here; the more history we get the more sad I am for them.  Lots of sadness.  Pray for us and for the people who work here, too.  I missed breakfast (it was before running and I planned on fixing myself a bowl of whatever and then washing up, but that hasn't panned out) but won't tomorrow.

Mental Health Day

I'm trying really hard to not skip classes today. I feel like it's not going to be a good day and that if I go I'm going to have a hard time paying attention. My exercising is frustrating me today. I got up to run this morning, but I didn't do it. I was on the elliptical about three minutes before I said I wasn't doing it this morning. I went to set up faculty coffee and decided I'd try again. I made it four minutes and said, "I'll just do 20 today instead of 40, that'll get something done." At five I quit again. I just have no motivation to run today. I'll try to make it up on Saturday, but right now I feel like a failure.

I had a mini-freak out Tuesday during the work out. I'm unfortunately so self-aware that I know that a lot of the frustration is media body image stuff...but knowing that doesn't make me say, "I don't need to look like that," when, in fact, I do want to look like that...but I want some kind of motivation to work toward it or feel like getting there isn't hopeless. I'm not expecting overnight changes, but something four weeks in wouldn't hurt. I went to the doctor yesterday for a first meeting. I weighed 204. I thought I'd lost four pounds in these four weeks. I actually may not have weighed 208 in January; I may have actually weight more like 213-214. While on the one hand that'd mean I'd lost closer to ten pounds, it also means I'd gained more weight than I'd realized.

All the one liners about exercise are feeling empty right now. No, I don't have more energy through the day. No, I don't feel better in general. No, I don't feel great right after a work out. I'm still sore from Tuesday which means that I did something, but tomorrow I'll still be sore and I'll try to push myself and I'll feel like I'm failing and I won't want to keep going. I'm a pretty healthy 23 year old, and that's not from exercising five days a week. It's hard to keep going when I'm just in pain, feeling like I'm doing the exercises wrong or not as well as I just should be. I'm in general hard on myself and get really frustrated about things that don't come naturally to me.

I hate that I feel like I'm fat sometimes. I hate that I feel like I look fat. But those are two things I feel, particularly moments like now when I didn't run. I know I'll never be rail thin, but I'd like to be thinner. Looking at people's heights/weights is deceptive because my frame is just bigger. I'm getting tired of eating the same fruits in the refectory every day as I cut back my sugar intake and feeling like it's for naught...all the while looking at all the cookies and cheesecakes and brownies. I think my relationship with sugar has improved; when I do eat it I'm very conscious of how much I'm eating. That's a step in the right direction if nothing else. There is lots of positive, but it's hard to see right now. I couldn't do my 40 minutes on the elliptical.

Now is a perfect time to reflect on Lenten stripping down, I suppose. I don't need to look like an Abercrombie model, even if I want to. I don't need to be as thin or fit as some of my classmates are. I need to be healthy, and that doesn't mean being ripped, even if that's what I want. I need to consciously not let that be an idol. I think it's okay for me to exercise to look better, but I need to be exercising to be healthy. I have to figure out how to slog through one to get to the other, though...and I have the distinct feeling that, like so many other things, it won't be on my own.

So, people of Chelsea and people of Chelsea Square. If you are interested in doing exercise on the elliptical or treadmill or running around Chelsea at about 6:05 three mornings a week, be in touch with me. I don't know how far I can go, I've just been trying to be active for forty minutes. I am taking a mental health morning, missing Old Testament, and will be in Church History.

Two Things

Sorry I haven't updated, David.  I've been really busy.  Since I left Evanston I moved to Troy and have been getting started doing things and getting them ready for the school year.  Leadership positions will do that.

Two things that I'll talk about tonight.  Note that I am trying to do a better job updating my blog.  Summer is over, so I've stopped writing Jacob's weekly letters, so I need to write stuff.  Both of my issues have to do with self-confidence and self-perception.

Lately I've been freaking out about my weight.  Not too much freaking out really except for one night earlier this week. I tried to run on Tuesday but I had absolutely no motivation. The way I've been putting it is "pretending to run." I ran a quarter of a mile and turned around and walked back, beating myself up the entire way. I continued that most of the day and into the night. Right before I went to bed I was really hard on myself and it just wasn't good. I planned on skipping yesterday and I did.

This morning I got up and did a mile. Two tomorrow is the plan. Then off on Saturday. So, if you pray, pray that I'll be more motivated about running and that I won't have issues about how I perceive myself. The other night I was really angry and down. It was good that I had someone to walk me through it

The other thing is that I'm really questioning entering the postulancy process. I feel so young. Then I remembered, "Do not let anyone look down on you because you are young..." This hit me again yesterday as I was filling out my stuff for before my psychological evaluation. I don't know how I feel about that.  I'm looking forward to it, but the questions seemed just directed at older people.  I don't know.  Just a weird feeling knowing that I'm going to be terribly young compared to other clergy people in the diocese. Maybe I'm not conveying it well, but I feel like I'm not going to have any life experience. I know that I have school, but meh. Hard to explain. Questioning myself. Not questioning my call, but questioning my going right into it. It's what I'm supposed to do, though.