What I needed to hear...

Tuesday as I approached the closest thing I can to utter despair (despite having all the blessings I have), someone said something I needed to hear, or read, as the case may've been:

This is a Greek quiz. It's not a referendum on your personhood, and certainly not on your ministry.

You'll take the quiz, you'll do as well as you can. And at the end of it, there's a good chance you'll still be a beloved child of God. Not 100% certain there, but the forecast looks favorable.

I had merely asked this person to pray for me and he did that but affirmed me and told me what I needed to hear. And I think it's probably good that I heard it so early in seminary.

Was it anything I didn't already know? No, not at all. I know that. One of my biggest bones with Bonhoeffer was his terminology of seeing others as sinners just like we are. While I don't deny that that may be the case, I prefer to see them as those created in the image of God...and my Greek quiz (on which I got an A, as it turns out),was just that. My finding or seeking value or judgement in outside standards is nothing new, but this was what I needed to hear when I heard it.

And it may wind up being something to which I return over time.

Um...$$?

I'm starting to freak out about money for seminary. It's just kind of hitting me that I'm going and that I'm not going to be on the amazing scholarship at I had at Troy.
I'm actually not just freaking out about money. I'm freaking out about it and starting grad school. My rector apparently had a hellacious time in seminary and has spoken all kinds of words of woe about it. I'm doing my best not to think about that, but they have been taking root. Everyone I talked to at General Convention said the secret is to get off the Close and enjoy the city. A member of my Standing Committee has gotten me in touch with someone that I think I'll be able to have fun with (his son, so I think I'll be able to do that. Sooner than I know I'll be freaking out about General Ordination Exams. Blah.
But right now what's on my mind is money: moving and living, primarily. Rent and deposits and groceries and I've been on a three-meal-a-day meal plan for the last four years and I have no idea what to do! So last night I clicked a very well-placed ad on Facebook for "seminary scholarship" and this morning followed through with it. Just for watching a demo about Logos Bible Software I'm in the running for some scholarship money, and if you're going to seminary, you can be too. You just click the link to seminary scholarship, watch the demo, and fill the stuff out.
There're even maps to help study for the Old Testament map test.

What If...

Today has been extremely emotionally taxing. I'm spent and totally worthless in this class I'm in, or so I thought. Maybe my intensity of emotion today prepared me for discussion. I really want to cuddle with someone because I'm so spent. I spent a good deal of time with Father Jeff today, and part of my being who I am made that taxing. He told me to start practicing the posture I'll need to assume for the rest of my life: submission and humility. Being who I am (someone who takes everything personally), I heard that as his saying I'm arrogant. (And I understand that some people perceive what I see as self-confidence as arrogance, and I know that there's a fine line.) We talked about that and worked it out. I feel better about that now.
Then we talked about something that I've had in the back of my head for a while but haven't really fleshed out as an idea: The commission can say no. I've known that possibility for a while, and I haven't thought, "Oh, I have this in the bag!" But at the same time I haven't thought about what that would mean for the rest of my life, and it hit me in the face. It made me mad and hurt me. They haven't said no, but I was feeling things that I might feel. And I've worked through those emotions and am feeling a lot better now. Fr. Jeff asked if I'd be able to still love the Church if they said no. My answer was that I don't know. As I was driving away from the church I said to myself it'd be easier for me to love the Church if they said no now rather than two weeks before graduation. I think I'd be okay, now, though. I've dealt with emotions. If they say no I'll be mad. I'll think they're making a huge mistake (more about hello, I'm young, and most of the The Episcopal Church is not than I'm Joseph Effin' Mathews). I'll be hurt and wonder how I can have gotten so much affirmation from so many different people about my call for the last three years and then a few people after forty-five minutes can say, "They were all wrong. Your sense of call is wrong."
But I've worked through some emotions now. And I'm exhausted from it, but I'll be okay if they say no. It was much better for me to face this stuff today than if it happens next week. We're still hoping and praying that they say yes, and there are people praying for me all over the country about it. I'm sitting in my stupid IDS class and Dr. Volrath has been rambling for an hour and 20 minutes. For some reason the following came into my head, "For the beauty of the earth..." So I Googled it and got all the lyrics.
Here are some selected verses and the chorus:
For the beauty of the earth
For the glory of the skies,
For the love which from our birth
Over and around us lies
Refrain:
Lord of all, to Thee we raise,
This, our hymn of grateful praise
For the joy of human love,
Brother, sister, parent, child,
Friends on earth and friends above,
For all gentle thoughts and mild.
Refrain
For Thy Church, that evermore
Lifteth holy hands above,
Offering up on every shore
Her pure sacrifice of love.
Refrain
For each perfect gift of Thine,
To our race so freely given,
Graces human and divine,
Flowers of earth and buds of Heaven.
Refrain
Lord of all, to Thee we raise, this our hymn of grateful praise. It will be well with my soul, although that's not the hymn where I've found consolation. I've found it in thanksgiving for the gifts we have. I was at Cursillo this weekend and said, "Thanks be God" innumerable times. When I first started going to St. Luke I said that after the scripture readings, but it was because I'm supposed to. Now, after four or five years, I mean it. Every time I say it now I mean it. I don't often express enough gratitude to others (or God), but I do mean thanksgiving for scripture having been given to guide us. And I do completely understand that for much of today I've gotten worked up over something that might not actually happened. However if I do get told "no," I'll have had something of a practice run.
"For the love which from our birth, over and around us lies." I'll still be loved by God. And the people who tell me no will still be loved by God. And, if I practice the faith that I profess to believe, should still be loved by me.
"Friends on earth and friends above." If I get told no I'll still have friends. Friends around me in Troy, AL. Friends in Montgomery. Friends in CoMo, friends in B'ham, friends in San Francisco, friends in Nashville, friends in DC, friends in NYC, friends in White Sulpher Springs, WV, friends at Western Kentucky, friends at Candler, friends at Wesley, friends at Garrett, friends at Shennandoah University...and friends (and family!) throughout the communion of the saints (who we'll remember this week at church).
"Graces human and divine." If I'm told no, I do suppose that I'll still be able to love the Church. I'll be hurt, and sad, and angry, and maybe feel like I've not given a fair shot. But we're supposed to forgive as we've been forgiven, no?

Two Things

Sorry I haven't updated, David.  I've been really busy.  Since I left Evanston I moved to Troy and have been getting started doing things and getting them ready for the school year.  Leadership positions will do that.

Two things that I'll talk about tonight.  Note that I am trying to do a better job updating my blog.  Summer is over, so I've stopped writing Jacob's weekly letters, so I need to write stuff.  Both of my issues have to do with self-confidence and self-perception.

Lately I've been freaking out about my weight.  Not too much freaking out really except for one night earlier this week. I tried to run on Tuesday but I had absolutely no motivation. The way I've been putting it is "pretending to run." I ran a quarter of a mile and turned around and walked back, beating myself up the entire way. I continued that most of the day and into the night. Right before I went to bed I was really hard on myself and it just wasn't good. I planned on skipping yesterday and I did.

This morning I got up and did a mile. Two tomorrow is the plan. Then off on Saturday. So, if you pray, pray that I'll be more motivated about running and that I won't have issues about how I perceive myself. The other night I was really angry and down. It was good that I had someone to walk me through it

The other thing is that I'm really questioning entering the postulancy process. I feel so young. Then I remembered, "Do not let anyone look down on you because you are young..." This hit me again yesterday as I was filling out my stuff for before my psychological evaluation. I don't know how I feel about that.  I'm looking forward to it, but the questions seemed just directed at older people.  I don't know.  Just a weird feeling knowing that I'm going to be terribly young compared to other clergy people in the diocese. Maybe I'm not conveying it well, but I feel like I'm not going to have any life experience. I know that I have school, but meh. Hard to explain. Questioning myself. Not questioning my call, but questioning my going right into it. It's what I'm supposed to do, though.