Monday, October 24, 2011

The Road to Death: Not in Control

My grandma is dying.

I'm doing okay, and appreciate support but at if you're finding out this way I'd appreciate quite support and prayers from a distance. I've reached out and people are checking in on me and helping me process. Last Saturday Grandma had another stroke and things weren't good. She started hospice care

Friday night I got a text from a cousin (and later my mom) that grandma had started declining. The hospice nurse said nothing was imminent, but Grandma became the first on the list for someone to get a twenty-four hour hospice nurse. I mindfully ate my dinner and thought about what going home would mean and if I needed to yet. I checked Delta's bereavement stuff. Then I went to a party.

I decided last week that I'd go home when Mom called or texted that I need to. She's down there and knows the best time for that, so I'm trusting her. Friday night at dinner I got that I'm not in control of this situation. I can't fix it. I can't control what happens, so I have to keep living my life.  I keep praying for grandma (Rose) as she journeys to death and for all of us as we journey with her.

Worrying over if I should go down or when won't fix anything. Worrying about that she's going to die won't make her not die. Death is a part of life, and I've seen death in my family and in professional settings. Knowing that it's coming, for me, is making easier. I don't know when it will happen, but I'm not anxiously waiting for it. I'm not in control and just have to wait for the word.

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