Thursday, April 7, 2011

Bad News

This is my 400th post.  Huh.  Lose 50 pounds in three years, write 400 blog entries in three years. Well, I haven't hit the three year mark over here yet.  It's gone quickly, but I've been warned about that since high school.  Realize how quickly time passes. Three summers ago I spent ten days in Paris.  I worked at Northwestern for the summer.  I got on a scale and didn't like the number.  I decided my days on Xanga were done.

Last night I heard from Evangelical Education Society about my grant.  My grant proposal was not approved. I want to talk some more with the executive director (who offered to have such a conversation), but right now I have some feedback that I might get onto here.  I got approved by SCOM for my trip to Mexico, but they "don't approve grants to Europe." I'll wait until I've gotten some more info from EES before posting but I've got some strong feelings brewing.

I'm disappointed.  I've been saving all year for the trip.  I haven't been relying on the grant to go, but it would've helped with some padding.  Part of me wants to ask for help, but a bigger part of me (for now) wants to try to be independent and not ask for help. Part of me also feels like there are others who need help more than I do.  Yeah, I know, right?  I've talked a lot this week about relying on others. I find a pattern of trying to rely on myself, failing, and then getting thumped for it.

I am proud.  I hate it.  I didn't get the grant I wanted.  I'm disappointed.  I know that things will work out.  I'm going to do work.  That's the point.  It started with wanting to go to Paris for the summer to do something fun and do some work with a church.  Now that I have a plan and an objective, I'm going to work. There is work that the local leadership has said needs to be done, and they think that I can help get it going, so that's why I'm going.

How many times do I have to remind myself that it's not about me?  God deliver me of my pride, help me to trust in you, and remember the things you've done for your people.

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